T5B5: This is your Dick on Drugs

This Texas team is slowly getting harder and harder to write anything negative about. Especially against a team as sucktacular as Arkansas. Did  some SEC official neglect to tell Casey Dick and the rest of Arkansas that SEC teams aren't supposed to gobble copious amounts of man-meat? 

Top Five

1. Colt "your Dick looks like a munch-kin" McCoy: Dude, you better not be setting me up for another heart smashing a la 2006. 

2. Jordan "your Dick went straight to DVD" Shipley: Please run faster. Seriously, being open by ONLY 5 yards is totally unacceptable. He reminds me of a glass Ferrari; he's fast as hell but I'm always worried he is going to break.

3. John "your Dick, a Fruit Roll-up" Gold: I just want you to know that you are living my freaking dream right now. I would kill a small infant dressed like a bunny to have the opportunity to be a college punter. Not a kicker, because then I might be called upon to win a close game, but a punter so that I can be a part of the team with minimal God-given athletic talent.

4. 25 "we got Dicks like Jesus" Defensive Players registered a stat in this game. Actual conversation with the poor guy sitting next to me at the game:

Him: Do you have any idea who Clark Ford is?

Me: *Hiccup* I don't give a shit about Arkansas players.

His small child: He's on the Longhorns, stupid.

Sorry Clark, I now know who you are, as well as about your three tackles and one QB hurry so far this season (in two games). 

5. 52-10 X 3. I truly believe that John Chiles has a crippling case of OCD that has caused him to purposely turn the ball over in each of the last two games in order to ensure that the final score ends up 52-10. I'm cool with it though, so please continue to do whatever it takes to keep that going for a while. 

Bottom Five

1. Arkansas: Danger. After four poor performances in a row you are no longer having bad games, but are actually a bad team. Better luck next year. Unfortunately for us, we are going to have to wait another week to learn anything about our beloved team. 11 rushing yards? Really? How is Rice the best team we have played so far.

2. UNT: Based on the football transitive property I just made up, Colt and the Sunshine Band would beat this team by 99 points. The Nerd Herd beat the Mean Green 77-20, scoring 56 points before half time. I feel like the U.N. should have intervened at some point. 

3. Texas A&M: I have a lot of  hurt pent up inside of me from the two consecutive loses to the Aggies that I am ready to release in the form of a club upon their baby-seal-heads. My theory is that the reason A&M is blundering their way towards a very painful season is that Mike Sherman knows that his only chance to stick around as head coach is to beat Texas; spending every single practice preparing to play us.

4. Army: You couldn't even beat the worst A&M team I have ever seen. You represent the entire U.S. military, how are you not better?!

5. The Big XII North: Way to have only one undefeated team. And two more total loses than the Big XII South. And you only have one quarterback in the top five Heisman hopefuls, suckas.