T5B5: We won?

It's pretty rare that you lose a game, but end up with the most amount of points. That's exactly how I felt leaving the stadium after the game. I completely understand what our Oklahoman brethren must have felt like at the end of the third quarter earlier this season against us. I can't even count the amount of times I said to myself "please, please, please just stay ahead for [insert any number under 45 here] more minutes." But still, even if it wasn't the definitive drubbing the Horns have laid on every school not from Oklahoma this year, the team still played well enough to end up ahead, and that is saying a lot considering the monster that this OSU team is turning out to be. I really don't see them losing more than one other game this season. To the lists!

Top Five

1. Oklahoma State's game plan: Mike Gundy and friends did an outstanding job studying and exploiting our weaknesses. When Mack Brown tried to temper the generally high expectations before the season began, he was expecting every game to look like this one and worse starting with Colorado. Yes we are good, but if you have the manlumps to continuously run it between our two best defensive players, you are going to find that right behind them is a soft spot in the linebacking corps that can be taken advantage of. Oklahoma State is, and has seemingly always been, the tepid tequila and milk to our blazing hangover induced nausea.

2. Curtis Brown: It's interesting looking back now at how terrified I was of all the big bad spread offenses the Big 12 totes at the beginning of the season, and how at this point I am more concerned about who will be able to slow us down on defense the most. We are currently fielding the best secondary in the country, they just don't have the stats to prove it yet. Curtis (second string sophomore) finalized that for me on Saturday by holding Dez Bryant to 74 yards.

3. The Defense: The way OSU played this game, it is a true accomplishment to keep them to only 24 points. Muschamp gambled and chose to limit their deep passing game, and it worked. It's good to know that our defense can win games too. Every time Earl/Ryan/anyone drops an interception, God creates a Sooner.

4. Cirque de Shipleil: Win or lose, there isn't a team remaining on our schedule that can stop Colt from throwing to Jordan Shipley. It's like cheating.

5. Tricksy Greg Davis: Regardless of what side of the perennial debate you sit on regarding trick plays, you have to agree that they are a lot of fun to watch. I appreciate the fact that the trick plays Greg Davis has installed in our offense are small deceptions designed to give those involved an extra step, rather than the silliness expected from, say, a Les Miles offense. The reverse to Shipley resulted in the longest run of the day, the fake screen to Shipley converted one of our most important third downs, the option reverse pass would have been cooler if Quan had been a little sneakier about his intentions to pass, and Colt's fake drop play action really got the defense over-excited.

Bottom Five
1. Iowa State: How dare you drop one to the Aggies? Read the emails I keep sending you, A&M is supposed to be the worst this year. The Big 12 North never plays along, how lame. The Aggies should be on this list too for giving up 35 points to the team that lost to the Aggies... circular logic fail? Whatever.
2. Clock management: What the heck happened at the end of the second quarter? Why did we wait until there were three seconds left on the clock to call a timeout and attempt to score from 70 yards out? In the time we ran off the clock we could have had two 15-20 yard plays that would have set us up for a field goal. Bizarre.
3. LSU: The wheels are falling off for the Bayou Tigers. It seems like the football Gods are having a fantastic time making every team that my coworkers root for irrelevant. At this point their only pleasure is watching Texas struggle.
4. Graham Harrell: Yes, he played a fantastic game, but from watching that game it became abundantly clear to me why Colt could lose to Tech and still win the Heisman. Harrell’s character is piss poor. Every time something doesn’t go right for the guy, he jumps up and runs straight at the nearest official with his arms raised in the air. When Colt takes a beating, even if it is a late hit, he jumps up with his arms in the air too, but he’s trying to get the crowd excited, not whine to the referees. Harrell’s a really gifted player, but guy would benefit from a few chores around the house.
5. Colorado: 58-0? Really? You couldn’t get into field goal range once? We kind of struggled against you, and then this happens? Maybe in a few years they will be decent and most importantly healthy again, but this season is not looking good for the Buffs at all. Not even a little bit.

T5B5 It's gettin' real real

This weekend in the world of college football was essentially the polar opposite of last weekend. Pretty much everyone who should have taken care of business did, and did it early on in the game. Even so, little doubt remains in my mind that we are the rightful owners of the number one spot on any and all polls. Now, on to ranking the unrankable (and no spell check, I didn't mean "undrinkable" as I clearly proved yesterday that no such beverage exists).

Top Five
1. Colt "I three starred yo mama last night" McCoy: It feels just plain lazy at this point to have him at the top of my list week in and week out, but I don't believe anyone who watched last night's game can argue against me. There were two plays specifically last night that really proved to me once and for all that this truly is a different Colt than we saw last season. The first was the near sack and resulting fumble that he scooped up and threw anyway for a 23 yard gain. Check the label, that's pure concentrated liquid play making. The second happened in the first quarter when Colt absorbed a particularly viscous hit on a 3 yard scramble to the Mizzou 22, got up, and threw straight at Mizzou defensive linemen Tommy Chavis on second down. At that point I was thinking, "oh boy, I've seen that before." Colt then proceeded to make me feel dirty for doubting him by rifling a 13 yard pass to Quan Cosby which set up for the TD. He's simply playing at a different level than anyone else in the country.
2. Greg "suck this, h8rz" Davis: Through all the attention Will Muschamp has received this season for what he has done with the defense, I do not think Greg Davis has received his due credit. Gone are the past seasons of smashing square players into round offenses with mediocre results. The offense employed this season by Davis and co. suits the players perfectly, just ask our 46.8 points per game (good for 5th in the NCAA).
3. The Referees: You have to commend these guys for fighting so valiantly to keep Mizzou in this game. Try and try as they might, they could not force Mizzou to score more points. I don't think I have ever heard an entire stadium boo play after play because of missed holding calls. At one point, a line judge finally threw a flag for holding when Sergio Kindle was chased down from behind and tackled by a Mizzou offensive tackle because he must have felt some guilt for the racket this weeks crew was running. The worst part was that the ump was starring straight at the play and didn't bat an eye. Maybe I'm confused on the rules, but the fact that the mother of three sitting next to me was wishing unspeakable agony on the referees on just about every play Mizzou was on offense really made me feel vindicated. I realize it's a total dick move to complain about game officiating in a blowout, but a situation will arise this season where the egregious holding of Kindle and Orakpo will significantly affect the course of a game. I might just right a strong worded letter to the NCAA, that'll show them!
4. Chykie "is there anything I can't I do for you" Brown: Chykie will be playing on Sunday in a few years, and is quickly making his assent to UT defensive back royalty. The fact that smarty-pants Muschamp is willing to put him up against Jeremy Maclin in man coverage speaks volumes for how me must be playing in practice. His execution in covering Maclin speaks volumes for how big of an asset Chykie is to this defense.
5. Vondrell "my boy" McGee: I'm... er... sorry for, like, calling you out. Rushing for an average 9.7 yards per carry on six carries for 58 yards, Vondrell had just the kind of day expected out of him after his performance last season. Whether it be that the o-line has finally come together to be the truly dominant force they were destined to be, or Vondrell has shaken some undisclosed injury this week, I hope new/old Vondrell his here to stay.

Bottom Five
1. Texas A&M: The Aggies may already have won their last game of the season. By going into halftime with the lead, and then flaming out so spectacularly in the second half, they managed to look twice as bad as before the game started, rather than marginally better for staying in the game through two quarters. Watching this game really reminded me that the only minorities within a 5 mile radius of that stadium were on the field. How does anyone recruit to that school? Oh wait, they don't.
2. Clemson: Give. Up.
3. The PAC 10: Just thinking about the fact that a one loss USC could play in the national championship while a one loss Texas watches on creates a feeling of rage inside of me that should only be reserved for child molesters. USC's conference schedule is weaker than our cupcake laden out of conference schedule. Terrible.
4. Tulsa's sportsmanship: You might be an asshole (read: Steve Spurrier) if you go for it on 4th and goal in the fourth quarter when you are up 70-35. I know this being ranked thing is pretty new for you, but at least act like you've been there before.
5. Wake Forest: 26-0. Ouch. Score a point next time. I didn't realize Maryland even had a football team.

T5B5: Heh Heh, more like Badford.

Holy balls what the hell is going on? Mack: didn't you get the memo that this is a rebuilding reloading year? We are supposed to be struggling to stay in games this season. We lost just about every player on offense from last season not named Colt. I mean come on, we have a true freshman playing safety! And most importantly, you're making me look stupid. In a good way. Thank you.

Playing the "what if" game is generally counterproductive and bad practice, but it makes me sick to my stomach to think what this season's rendition of our football team would have done to last season's schedule. We'd be talking about "how incredible it is that we've won 2 of the last 4 national championships, and how crazy it is that Colt managed to win the Heisman when The Immaculate Vince Young never did, but then again who can argue against Colt's unbelievable 850 yard game against Iowa State." That's not to say that I don't believe that this season's Horns aren't very well suited for the strength of their schedule. Exactly the opposite actually; I'm not sure there is another Mack Brown Texas team that I would rather have at this point in our schedule. The next three teams we play are ranked 11, 8, and 7. We still have two away games against top 15 teams who have had more success passing than we have had stopping it. The next two teams we play have looked as good, and at times better than the Oklahoma team we faced this past Saturday. The next game we play will be against a once 2nd ranked Mizzou who probably isn't very jolly about their tough loss this past weekend to the team that we play the weekend after. Even with all of that, I believe that this may be an exceptionally exciting season for all of us fans. 

Top Five

1. What's it called again when you throw the ball perpendicular to the line of scrimmage? Finally! Whoever decides whether or not to take shots downfield turned the page and decided to go for it, while balancing the attack with screens and flats. Even the previously thought to be dead Malcolm Williams got a few deep looks. 
2. Execution: Greg Davis and Mack have long been stalwarts of the simple but perfectly executed offense. After watching our game and then Missouri's game, I can't argue with them anymore. We ran a no-frills offense and made very few mistakes, while Mizzou ran some of the freakiest plays I have seen anywhere with disastrous results. Don't be fooled though, they'll be ready to stomp this yard come next Saturday.

3. Sam Bradford, I wish you were graduating but we seized the day. Bradford is really good and is going to be around for a while. Fortunately for us, DollaWill Mu$champ was drinking all of his milkshake this past weekend. Especially in the second half, Bradford appeared to have no idea what we were doing on defense as evidenced by the fact that based on what we were giving him on defense he sometimes distressedly changed the play two or three times before the snap and still came up empty. What an incredible change from last year where we did exactly what it looked like we were going to do every single time. 

4. Safeteens: Mother of all things good Earl Thomas is quick. Watching Earl and Muck chase down Gresham on that long play action was like watching me race a motorcycle on foot. Earl managed to cross the whole field and impart some love on Gresham (who was running straight down the opposite side of the field). 

5. Colt McSneakypants: OU clearly thought they knew something secret about our count and were constantly trying to jump it. Whatever Colt was doing to get them to jump offsides whilst keeping our o-line firmly set was unbelievable. He's clearly arrived as a true field general, and is making me more and more doubtful that we'll have him back another season. 

Bottom Five

1. A&M:  It's time to put down the controller, restart the XBOX,  grab another beer, and try again. Seriously, you clearly must be doing this for attention, we get it. Making fun of your supporters isn't even fun anymore, because it just makes me feel like a bully. At this point, you'd be better off just taking a season off and hoping for better luck next year. 

2. Mizzou's O-line: Chase Daniel appeared to be running for his life for the better part of the second half against an underrated Oklahoma State defense. The scary part is, he still didn't make many mistakes at all. You better be ready to go Aaron Williams, because Daniel makes decisions under pressure like an NFL QB. 

3. The SEC: For once, I'm not impressed. Whereas the top half of the Big 12 is playing each other in what can only be described as blood baths, the SEC seems to have settled for tickle fights. Remember earlier this season when LSU vs Auburn was a big game? Oops.

4. Kansas State: You let A&M score 30 points on you and gave up a record setting day to the farmer's Robert Griffin. In hindsight, deciding to fill your entire defense up with junior college transfers was a little bit like loading up on walk on standouts. 

5. Being Ranked 1st: To set the record straight, this isn't the first time we have been ranked first during the regular season since 1984. We were ranked 1st in the 8th week of 2005 as well, so stop perpetuating this fake stat just because you read it somewhere else. I like that the Horns are ranked first, I just hate the big red X that comes along with it.

Top Five Bottom Five: Colorado vs. Texas

Another weekend, another game, another team that tells us absolutely nothing about how far this team can be pushed. As much better as CU was than our out of conference schedule, OU will be that much stronger compared to CU. Shit's about to get real real.

Top Five

1. Chris OH-bon-EYE-uh: The best way I can think to describe his performance on Saturday is that it was gratifying. After not registering a single stat last week and being considered an after-thought in any RB discussion so far this season, I can't think of many other players on this team that deserve a game like this more. Nine attempts for 71 yards and a touchdown on the ground and six receptions for 116 yards and another touchdown (and a tackle) definitely works for me.

2. CHAH-KEE Brown: Brown Set the defensive tone for this game on the very first play. I hope every offensive coordinator in the Big 11 (A&M, not so big) watches that play and understands that although the defensive secondary is young, they are athletic, very well coached, and becoming less and less likely to give up a big play deep. 

3. Brian oh-RACK-poe: The NCAA should be investigating Texas right now, because having Rak on the roster feels like cheating. He had a Drew Kelson moment when he ran stride for stride with Darrell Scott along the sideline during the play that eventually lead to Scott's only noteworthy contribution to the game. Absolutely incredible.

4. SEE-YOU's Kicker: Aric Goodman may have had the biggest positive impact (for the Horns) on the outcome of this game by any single player. Goodman missed three field goals before the Horns made it 21-0, meaning CU could have been looking at 14-9 and a chance to keep the game in reach. The next probable step for him? Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is a man.

5. Defensive DIS-uh-plin: DollaWill Mu$champ has already made an enormous contribution to the knowledge bank of our defensive play makers. With Rak sniffing out the trick play and staying on Darrell Scott, smothering coverage in the secondary, and Blake Gideon wreaking havoc all over the field, this game was littered with examples of players being where they needed to be at the right time.

Bottom Five

1. Haircuts.

2. Joel Myers and Dave Lapham: Know the rules, you're announcers, it's your job.

3. Darrell Scott: Let this controversy be dead forever. We all know he made a poor choice, but he's the one that has to live with it. Sorry dude, but we look forward to making you look silly for three more years and not for any other reason than that you are an opponent. 

4. CU's fishing lures Cheerleaders: Whoever decided  those crazy shiny golden outfits needs to immediately refer to any and all material available on the Idaho cheerleader's uniforms. Those poor girls don't need any help looking foolish (mm hmm, I said it). 

5. It's starting. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard the announcer say "if he stays all 4 years." It might have had something to do with being 8 beers deep, but the implications were not lost on my drunken head. It might just be time to get Sherrod Harris and John Chiles ready to start next year, because Colt is having the kind of season that usually doesn't warrant an encore. 

T5B5: This is your Dick on Drugs

This Texas team is slowly getting harder and harder to write anything negative about. Especially against a team as sucktacular as Arkansas. Did  some SEC official neglect to tell Casey Dick and the rest of Arkansas that SEC teams aren't supposed to gobble copious amounts of man-meat? 

Top Five

1. Colt "your Dick looks like a munch-kin" McCoy: Dude, you better not be setting me up for another heart smashing a la 2006. 

2. Jordan "your Dick went straight to DVD" Shipley: Please run faster. Seriously, being open by ONLY 5 yards is totally unacceptable. He reminds me of a glass Ferrari; he's fast as hell but I'm always worried he is going to break.

3. John "your Dick, a Fruit Roll-up" Gold: I just want you to know that you are living my freaking dream right now. I would kill a small infant dressed like a bunny to have the opportunity to be a college punter. Not a kicker, because then I might be called upon to win a close game, but a punter so that I can be a part of the team with minimal God-given athletic talent.

4. 25 "we got Dicks like Jesus" Defensive Players registered a stat in this game. Actual conversation with the poor guy sitting next to me at the game:

Him: Do you have any idea who Clark Ford is?

Me: *Hiccup* I don't give a shit about Arkansas players.

His small child: He's on the Longhorns, stupid.

Sorry Clark, I now know who you are, as well as about your three tackles and one QB hurry so far this season (in two games). 

5. 52-10 X 3. I truly believe that John Chiles has a crippling case of OCD that has caused him to purposely turn the ball over in each of the last two games in order to ensure that the final score ends up 52-10. I'm cool with it though, so please continue to do whatever it takes to keep that going for a while. 

Bottom Five

1. Arkansas: Danger. After four poor performances in a row you are no longer having bad games, but are actually a bad team. Better luck next year. Unfortunately for us, we are going to have to wait another week to learn anything about our beloved team. 11 rushing yards? Really? How is Rice the best team we have played so far.

2. UNT: Based on the football transitive property I just made up, Colt and the Sunshine Band would beat this team by 99 points. The Nerd Herd beat the Mean Green 77-20, scoring 56 points before half time. I feel like the U.N. should have intervened at some point. 

3. Texas A&M: I have a lot of  hurt pent up inside of me from the two consecutive loses to the Aggies that I am ready to release in the form of a club upon their baby-seal-heads. My theory is that the reason A&M is blundering their way towards a very painful season is that Mike Sherman knows that his only chance to stick around as head coach is to beat Texas; spending every single practice preparing to play us.

4. Army: You couldn't even beat the worst A&M team I have ever seen. You represent the entire U.S. military, how are you not better?!

5. The Big XII North: Way to have only one undefeated team. And two more total loses than the Big XII South. And you only have one quarterback in the top five Heisman hopefuls, suckas.

Top Five Bottom Five Tuesday

Let's do this, best and worst five aspects of the Horns' game against FAU.

Disclaimer: I am VERY content with our game on Saturday, but in an effort to remain balanced am including a bottom five.

Top Five

1. Colt is back! I have been a fairly vocal member of the Malcolm in the Middle fan club since I heard he was the qb selected to lead the scout team in preparation for our game against USC. I thought, he must be good. Then 2006 rolled around, and holy babies he was good! Come 2007 he was all but forgotten and seen as a placeholder between fantastic dual threat qbs. And now, finally I feel like he has turned the corner towards becoming a truly memorable player. Sure, sure it was just against FAU (who did win a bowl last season), but it sure as heck could have been worse. He saw all the open receivers, chose the right time to use his underrated feet, stayed composed even when the offensive line wasn't dominating, and distributed the ball selflessly all over the field.

2. What is "blockedpunt?" I've listed the zero in the 2007 "blocked anything" column as one of my main concerns coming into this season. Any point before Oklahoma would have worked fine, really, but thanks for listening. I heart Earl Thomas.

3. Put the Tight in Tight end... what? Blaine Irby, welcome to Texas football. Blaine had such a great coming out day (maybe the gayest two sentences on this blog? not that there is anything wrong with that), that ESPN even took notice from their great ivory pedestal. 

4. Blake Gideon:What planet are you from? How did you sneak in with such low national recruiting attention, only to freaking explode into a starting role? I had pretty strong reservations about this guy coming into this game, but at one specific point in the first quarter, when he sniffed out a screen in the backfield and freaking punted the would-be receiver into old age, I drunkly announced his induction into my family for all those in earshot. He was caught out of place once or twice, but he so outplayed my expectations that I really can't complain.

5. Deo... Curtis Brown? The coaches mean business. For real this time. Deon Beasley would have been my choice of starter, based on his performance last year, but he didn't start the game. Curtis must actually have outperformed Beasley in practice. Flabbergasted and overjoyed by the coaches sticking to their word on the depth chart.

Bottom Five

1. No FFs. We were ahead in turnovers, so it's tough to say anything. We did capitalize on a mistake they made, but didn't force any mistakes. With the talent laden front seven that we have, I expect this to improve as DollahWill Mu$champ prepares them for UTEP. 

2. No Sacks. We didn't allow any real sacks, but we did not get any of our own either. I attribute this to the linebackers being used to help out the secondary rather than applying pressure on the quarterback. Even if the linebackers didn't actually get any sacks, the pressure would have been enough to get Roy Millertime or Orakpo out of a double-team long enough to hurt someone. 

3. Cornerbacks: I'm looking at you Ryan Palmer. This choice describes the game perfectly for me. A unit that accounted for the only forced turnover of the game is listed as bottom five, with emphasis on the player who made the interception. He was one of the most electric players on defense, but he made as many mistakes on defense as any one else. As a senior, I expect him to be playing at a different, cleaner, level than the true freshman, and in this game he just wasn't. He needs to focus and really become the elite cornerback everyone knows he can be.

4. Charlie Tanner's Injury: No fault of his own, just dumb (terrible) luck. Even though it gives future star Michael Huey a chance to prove himself, any injury in the offensive line is bad news. Charlie was having an incredible game until he went down with a sprained ankle, so here's to hoping he gets better quickly.

5. My F-ing Ticket: I just graduated from UT, got a job, and moved to Houston. I bought season tickets anyway, because I just can't stay away. I had been laying awake at night due to my excitement about the VY jersey retirement, the new stadium, and the beginning of my favorite season. These days, student season tickets are conveniently emailed to you, so that all you have to do is print the tickets off, regardless of your location or condition. The ticket office must assume that people gain responsibility after they graduate, as they send just you hard copies in the mail. They were wrong. 

I left my ticket in Houston, and didn't realize until I was in Austin. 

I still feel great about it. I deserve all the criticism your internal monologue is throwing at me.

Any one else have something noteworthy happen to them? Send me an email and I will gladly post the best ones.